Assignment #01

10 BAD ALLEGORIES

1.) There’s a traditional bridge that leads to nowhere that people spend their lives walking slowly over until they reach the end of the plank. Through the generations, great meaning has been given to each step and this sentiment passed to each subsequent generation. That is until a a structural specialist named Matt Eccle Brakethroo arrives and adds to the bridge’s length exponentially. This extension was ostensibly rad because the drop point was not so soon, but all meaning previously associated with the shorter plank is diluted. Walkers reaching the plank's previous drop point, expecting to die, now continued walking and were all like “harrumph, what is the point of this.” Onlookers in the back of the line are like, “hm welp I guess I better discover my true calling if I’m gonna be on this plank for so long now” and then begin to feel petrified about life and never end up doing anything with their degrees.

2.) The King of the Jungle is about to die and there’s this new guy who runs for office and he’s a bit different than an average lion but he looks like a lion nonetheless. He gets voted in but to the dismay of the jungle voting constituency who realize once it’s too late that he is actually half snake. The half-snake King of the Jungle strangles and swallows whole animals one by one unless they agree to his new socialist government. YES. First good one, NEXT.

3.) Narcissus walks by a pond but it’s situated by a hill in such a manner that to Narcissus it reflects people across the water instead of reflecting himself. He keeps looking into it and then he gets fat and never realizes the people reflected by the still water are actually real life people who want to play rugby with him.

4.) A soda jerk combines Sprite with Root Beer and it appeals to his taste. He loves it and thinks that genuinely he was born to love the soda concoction. His supervisor has different ideas and accosts the soda jerk. He shows the soda jerk the soda fountain users manual wherein simple instructions display single sodas poured into a cup with ice and ice only, positing that Soda Fountain Co. meant for sodas and ice, not Root Beer and Sprite. The soda jerk acquiesces to this position falsely, smiles, and gamely sips some plain soda and ice. The supervisor returns to his office satisfied, but the jerk instantly mixes up another Sprite and Root Beer. He then chokes on the fizzy mixture, dies, and goes straight to Hell.

5.) A man poisons his wife with cyanide and buries her in their lovely garden ‘round back. He plants beans in the garden months later, diligently cares for them, harvests them when they’ve matured and brings them inside his kitchen. He prepares the beans with a lovely white wine and caramelized shallots in a pan over a medium high heat. He’s exhausted, eats happily of his homegrown foodstuff, but gets really bad diarrhea. The man continues to eat the leftovers all week until he can decide on alternative dinner plans.

6.) Sibling rivals order a large pizza with a thin, crispy cracker crust, olive oil and a dash of truffle oil, oyster mushrooms grown with hydroponics, sun-dried and candied California tomatoes, and basil. It smells awesome. The siblings argue over who gets to eat it and finally they take their feud to King Salami. The King takes out a pizza cutter, slits the pizza in two and says, “NOW DEAL WITH THAT!” The siblings put the severed gourmet pizza into a funereal delivery box, bury it, and mourn their dinner’s cruel death.

7.) An astronaut returns from a ten-year outer space expedition where his physical growth was stunted. Anticipating a sweet reunion with his earthbound girlfriend after a decade of separation by worlds literally, his heart breaks when he spies his love now attached with a high school senior. The whimpering spaceman rushes home and curls himself into a pile of stuffed animals on the top bunk of his bunk bed. Through his tears, he looks down at his dresser where a bouquet of flowers rests. He'd not noticed it before and so descends the aluminum ladder, walks to the mournful looking arrangement and removes the card. He slides the small memo out of its envelope and notices immediately it’s signed his ex-flame. It reads as follows: “Billy, I’m sorry. I had to move on. You had to know that this would be the inevitable consequence of you becoming the first 4th grader to walk on the moon. I hope it was worth it. K.I.T., Judy.”

8.) A former track runner decides to wrest the rust from his calves and haunches. In this attempt, he gathers a team to run a ten-mile trek. Some of the miles ran are decently laid down, but mostly—and definitely toward the last stretch—the coach’s strides are sloppy and test the patience of all those who witness the run.

9.) A grasshopper challenges a slug to a race and loses because of his hubris.

10.) A guy climbs a high mountain and there’s a sign posted that says, “Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.”